Family Day

Yes, I had hoped to actually get Christmas cards done this year, and yes, it proved to be something impossible for me. I'm not even sure why because Michael has been helping me so much with the business. But we did family shots, and I have to say I was pretty happy with the outcome!!!

A great reminder

So I know these next few posts will be a bit depressing, and I promise I'm not trying to be. Life has been good, very, very good. It really has. However, the holiday season brought on some challenges, some pretty big challenges. First, as mentioned, the loss of my grandpa. Then something that hit a little even closer to home. Baxter got old.

I have fought this, spent every yearly check-up in the vet's office asking if he looks great, is he okay? And making sure that even though he's 8, there's nothing physically wrong with him, that I would have a long way to go. Well, my time might be limited.

In December, Baxter just started acting a little strange with his back leg. Almost like it was hurting him. He was a little hesitant to get into the car one day, and the hesitation cut into his jump. He fell back, and then everything seemed to fall extremely down hill from that point. Our first trip to the vet proved nothing. However, the second trip wasn't so up beat.

The leg had obviously gotten worse. You could tell he wasn't using it, and my vet through out words like 'cancer', 'digenerative disease', and sadly the good words were 'ruptured disc'. With every phrase he threw at me, my only question was 'is it fixable?' Money is no object, all I want to know is it something I can fix. Unfortunately, a few of those phrases aren't so fixable.

One of the things he's getting checked for, is a disease that basically attacks his spinal cord. It can hit one leg, then eventually move to the next one. He will then become paralyzed. I've been a wreck over this possibility, and even asked Michael if we would move down the cart path if we needed to. I'm totally jumping to conclusions, and just imagining what could possibly be.

So today was a harder day than normal. He feel when I tried to see how his other leg was doing, and I had to help him stand. After I put him in his kennel, I came and sat in the living room, head in my hands and sobbed. I pleaded with God to make this something I can fix, and begged him not to let this be a short span. I know he's just a dog, and I knew this day would come some day, but I'm not ready for it right now.

Ironically after my feeling sorry for myself bout, I watched Oprah. Today's topic was making a better self, spiritually. I LOVE Rev. Michael Beckwith. He made a great point when talking to another woman, and I realized that I'm doing two things. First, I'm already diagnosing Baxter with the worst thing possible, and already setting up hard decisions for me to make. Second, I'm living too much worried about his death, rather than celebrating and cherishing the moments I have with him.

He has blessed my life in more ways than I can imagine. First, he made me realize the power of rescue, and love I have for it. I literally take other people's trash, and make them treasures. Because of him, my life has been blessed 20 times over with all the dogs we have saved. No, he's not a child, but he has taught me what it means to love unconditionally. I would love this dog, this being, no matter what. And I have made a promise to him that I will do all it takes.

But he his still here, and I need to stop diagnosing a problem that hasn't even been figured out yet. I need to be grateful for the fact that I have had seven years with him, and cherish what's to come.

Say

I meant to come back here for a while now, but it was a rough thing to write about. My very first post on this blog was about being grateful. In it, I mentioned my Aunt Marion and Uncle Vince (grandma and grandpa). I'm sad to say that since that post (in January 2007), I hadn't made it back to Florida to see them. However, I really did send that later that I promised to send, and I'm so forever grateful I did.

A few days before Thanksgiving, my Grandfather lost his life. He was driving in the middle of the night and ended up rear ending a flat bed that was parked at a railroad crossing. It was three in the morning, and no one really knows why he was driving that late. As I also mentioned in that post, my Aunt Marion had been fighting what is definitely alzheimers. She would have bouts in the middle of the night where she wouldn't know who he was. She would refuse to sleep there because in her mind, she wasn't married. The reason why he could have been driving at 3 in the morning, was to help quiet her down, so he could take her back home to rest.

I can honestly say it's the first person in my adulthood that I've been close to and I've lost. I'm not one to talk about my feelings, and I have a hard time showing grief. The inner voice of my father, always tells me not to cry. But this was a hard one. The man was 87 years old. Fought in our great world war, battled cancer not once, but twice, and yet, it was a random accident at 3 in the morning that took his life.

Can I say I'm grateful? I'm absolutely so grateful to have been able to meet him. He was such a special man with the craziest sense of humor. Yet, as wrong as it was to laugh sometimes at his jokes, you laughed. He had an inner spirit that was contagious, and even at 87 loved his wife as he had 65 years earlier. A special couple, and a man I know I will see again.

Another reason why I'm grateful, that as much as I pass off things sometimes, put them off to later, only never to get done. I'm so forever grateful that I sent that letter. I never had a true family that loved me unconditionally, but Grandpa and I had a special connection. He was so thrilled when I would come to visit, and I just honestly can say I loved being in the presence.

I will miss him so much, and I can't say it has fully hit me yet. Yes, it's been a month, but I still haven't made it out to FL, where it will all be real. He won't be home.

If this can be anything - it's a reminder to say what we need to say at the moment, not in a little while, in a day, or next week. Today. I know my mind goes a million different directions, and things always slip my mind.

The lyrics to one of my favorite songs 'Say' by John Mayer are words we should cherish and live by:

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so-called problems

Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead

If you could only . . .Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

Its better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

Thanks for the Memories.....

I am officially a dork. I spent today watching Brett Favre tell the world why he was retiring, and I cried like a baby. I actually was to the point of the 'ugly cry' where I was gasping for air. Pathetic? This follows the tears that came when the Giants beat the Patriots. As my best friend from New York jumped around and screamed, I sat there with my husband holding me as I mumbled 'it should have been the Packers.'

Brett, you will be missed. I can't imagine the first Sunday when he's not on the field. I remember the first game he stepped in, and there's been tons of great memories ever since......Makes me kick myself for not just going to the New York Playoff game that I had tickets for...............................

To another era!

I miss home

So I grew up in Wisconsin and lived there for the first twenty-one years of my life. I moved to Arizona, never looking back, never regretting the decision, and never having a desire to head back that way. In fact, I very rarely think about home, until every September. Why? Football season. There is nothing like football in Wisconsin.....It's fall, the weather is great, everyone is outdoors, grilling (yes, and drinking), and everyone LOVES their Packers and Badgers

As I've been watching week after week the Packers keep winning, ohhhhhh it makes me miss home so much. I'm trying to figure out now when I can get back for a game. It's so awesome seeing Brett Favre back to his prime. I still remember watching the first game when he came in for an injured Don Makowski (sp?). I was in the living room with my dad, and we were like, 'who is this guy.' But he brought us back from behind that day, and the rest, they say his history.

So the questio now is do I be a baby and go when it's still fairly warm, or do I experience Lambeau at it's best when you need seven layers of clothing on, just so you still have feeling by the time the game is done?

And there's nothing like true, authentic cheese curds. Yes, once it cools off here, we'll be having some shipped to make our own. But there's just nothing like it when you're up north.

Anyway, here's to Wisconsin, here's to the Packers and the Badgers -- Yeah, we're all undefeated, and here's to hopefully a trip back there very soon!!

Enjoy the Moment

I've been reading about and listening to The Secret, a lot, which one of the greatest things I've found through it is Dr. Michael Beckworth. I enjoy listening to his sermons, and I'm learning just a few new things in my life --- first, to get over the little things. I found myself getting worked up over something the other day, and just stopped for a moment and asked myself one question. Six months from now is this even going to matter? The answer, of course was 'no', and I took a deep breath and moved on to something more important.

The other great thing I'm learning to do is to live in the moment. My mind sometimes is just going miles and miles per second, and instead of wondering what I'm doing or what I'm about to go next, I need to stop and enjoy where I am. For example, the other morning, Michael had gone to work, and Baxter crawled in bed with me. Now on this particular moment, he was being a baby, and wanted to lay on his back on top of me. Now yes, he is a dog, but mind you he is a 100lb dog! He started to act silly, and was acting all crazy, which entails him wiggling around and trying to get his nose in my face. As I began get annoyed, and tell him to get down, I stopped. I lived in that moment and let him be silly. I told myself he is seven years old, and who knows how long he will even be with me. Who knows how long he will feel well enough to be silly. Enjoy this moment. And that's exactly what I did.

I need to do that more -- work less, enjoy more. Thirty years went by pretty quickly, and I really don't want to feel like anothe 30 did the same!

I'm having second thoughts

So it's been almost eight months now since I brought home our foster, who we now call 'Crazy Daisy'. Her name fits her well, and she's provided me with some big challenges during this time. She went away for five weeks for some extensive training, and I kept joking that I didn't want her back.

You see Daisy was never worked with, and they always tell you how important it is to socialize puppies...Well Daisy is the poster child (okay, dog) of why this is important. She wants to play with other dogs, but she doesn't understand how to communicate so instead of playing, she creates a fight.

We've been at our wits end, but honestly, I never thought about giving her up because I never dreamed anyone would ever want her. She's hyper, sometimes out of control, goes to the bathroom in the house to spite me, and the list could go on. So as much as I complained, I felt she was mine forever.

Well, I brought her to PetSmart for Adopt-A-Day which used to be a huge feat, almost a joke. It was this Saturday that I started to realize Daisy was really turning into a great dog. Kids were sticking their face in hers, only to get a kiss. Other dogs were walking up to her, and she would just calmly sniff them. And she could sit in a kennel surrounded by other dogs. This time instead of freaking out, she just looked up at me with these horribly sad eyes, as if asking me why she was in there.

I lost it, and kept trying to hold back tears. For the first time in eight months, I realized that Daisy really was ready to go to a home, and there is someone out there who might actually want her. And now that I know this, I'm just not sure I can give her up.

I thought I could do the foster thing. Afterall, I adopted out seven puppies to great homes, and I love the people I've met through those adoptions. But Daisy is so different. I can't do it. I know this is what I signed up for -- but it's a major, major struggle.

To be continued.......................

Just Breathe

I have a tendancy to get worked up and freak out. It's in my nature, and too often times, I just forget to breathe. At the beginning of this month, I began a remodeling project on my Scottsdale house....the good old Scottsdale house. I spent the last two weeks out there, trying to see over the work and attempt to find a renter for the place. I freaked out a couple of times out there because it's in the contractor's hands and I'm a control freak. When I don't have complete control of something, and there's NOTHING that I can do, it's hard for me to take.

I came back here just a few days ago, and my friend called me to tell me that they weren't where they should be with the project, so I spent two hours today with my blood boiling, and constantly dialing out, looking for an answer. When I want answers, I want them now, and as I'm doing this, I'm forgetting to breathe.

So I got to my house, and finally got the call that I was waiting for. When it came, I went off. Where were the workers? Why wasn't this finished? What happened to a finish date on Sunday? He's making me lose money because I have no renters, blah, blah....I lost it. And as I was at the peak of freaking out, I looked down at my baby girl, Boo (my dog) who is on her back, kicking her legs in the air, waiting for my response. She does this because she knows it's cute, and she gets attention by doing this.... And in all my anger, I looked at her and burst out laughing. And in that laughter, I took a breath......I was calm again, and was able to get to a conclusion (keeping my fingers crossed) on a finished product.

I hate getting worked up, and I hate the person that I become.....it's as if I suddenly become evil. I guess I just need to learn to take that breath, say a prayer, and give it to God. I just hate giving up that whole control thing.. Some how it makes me feel better when i feel that I can do it myself. Even though I have hardly any say in it at all....a lesson that I continually need to remind myself.

The Past

Even though it's been a month since the move, there are still boxes yet to be unpacked. It's a hard decision to either start living your normal life again, or take the time to empty out those last things that you really don't need.


I was about to go to bed, when I had the urge to go through my journals. Not sure why, but I just decided it would be fun to rehash the past. I suddenly went into a panic when I couldn't find 2001 - 2002. It felt as if two years of my life had just suddenly vanished, and I was seriously going through every box I could find. I can't remember if it was a digital version or if it was a true notebook. But I don't understand why I was in such a panic. My past had it's moments, moments that I wouldn't trade for the world, but it also had it's dark side. There are times when I read my journal, and I hurt for the girl who's writing it. Oh, I hurt for her, but I guess it brings me joy to know and to see how far I've come.


So I enjoyed reading what I did have. I went through the time period of when I met Michael. It's funny because they always say you find it when you stop looking, and only days before we met I had written that I was taking a break from dating for a while. It's fun to look back too because I was so smitten with him. I remember we used to attempt to go five weeks without seeing eachother, and it felt like eternity. I would finally book a ticket at week two because we couldn't take it any longer....ah, the good old days.

I just need to remember to write more. It's so fun to go back, and remember the small things that are so easily forgotten in the whirlwind of life. I don't want to miss out on another two years!