Evening Sunshine

Family Day

2009-01-07T22:06:00.000-08:00

Yes, I had hoped to actually get Christmas cards done this year, and yes, it proved to be something impossible for me. I'm not even sure why because Michael has been helping me so much with the business. But we did family shots, and I have to say I was pretty happy with the outcome!!!

A great reminder

2009-01-07T21:38:00.000-08:00

So I know these next few posts will be a bit depressing, and I promise I'm not trying to be. Life has been good, very, very good. It really has. However, the holiday season brought on some challenges, some pretty big challenges. First, as mentioned, the loss of my grandpa. Then something that hit a little even closer to home. Baxter got old.

I have fought this, spent every yearly check-up in the vet's office asking if he looks great, is he okay? And making sure that even though he's 8, there's nothing physically wrong with him, that I would have a long way to go. Well, my time might be limited.

In December, Baxter just started acting a little strange with his back leg. Almost like it was hurting him. He was a little hesitant to get into the car one day, and the hesitation cut into his jump. He fell back, and then everything seemed to fall extremely down hill from that point. Our first trip to the vet proved nothing. However, the second trip wasn't so up beat.

The leg had obviously gotten worse. You could tell he wasn't using it, and my vet through out words like 'cancer', 'digenerative disease', and sadly the good words were 'ruptured disc'. With every phrase he threw at me, my only question was 'is it fixable?' Money is no object, all I want to know is it something I can fix. Unfortunately, a few of those phrases aren't so fixable.

One of the things he's getting checked for, is a disease that basically attacks his spinal cord. It can hit one leg, then eventually move to the next one. He will then become paralyzed. I've been a wreck over this possibility, and even asked Michael if we would move down the cart path if we needed to. I'm totally jumping to conclusions, and just imagining what could possibly be.

So today was a harder day than normal. He feel when I tried to see how his other leg was doing, and I had to help him stand. After I put him in his kennel, I came and sat in the living room, head in my hands and sobbed. I pleaded with God to make this something I can fix, and begged him not to let this be a short span. I know he's just a dog, and I knew this day would come some day, but I'm not ready for it right now.

Ironically after my feeling sorry for myself bout, I watched Oprah. Today's topic was making a better self, spiritually. I LOVE Rev. Michael Beckwith. He made a great point when talking to another woman, and I realized that I'm doing two things. First, I'm already diagnosing Baxter with the worst thing possible, and already setting up hard decisions for me to make. Second, I'm living too much worried about his death, rather than celebrating and cherishing the moments I have with him.

He has blessed my life in more ways than I can imagine. First, he made me realize the power of rescue, and love I have for it. I literally take other people's trash, and make them treasures. Because of him, my life has been blessed 20 times over with all the dogs we have saved. No, he's not a child, but he has taught me what it means to love unconditionally. I would love this dog, this being, no matter what. And I have made a promise to him that I will do all it takes.

But he his still here, and I need to stop diagnosing a problem that hasn't even been figured out yet. I need to be grateful for the fact that I have had seven years with him, and cherish what's to come.

Say

2009-01-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

I meant to come back here for a while now, but it was a rough thing to write about. My very first post on this blog was about being grateful. In it, I mentioned my Aunt Marion and Uncle Vince (grandma and grandpa). I'm sad to say that since that post (in January 2007), I hadn't made it back to Florida to see them. However, I really did send that later that I promised to send, and I'm so forever grateful I did.

A few days before Thanksgiving, my Grandfather lost his life. He was driving in the middle of the night and ended up rear ending a flat bed that was parked at a railroad crossing. It was three in the morning, and no one really knows why he was driving that late. As I also mentioned in that post, my Aunt Marion had been fighting what is definitely alzheimers. She would have bouts in the middle of the night where she wouldn't know who he was. She would refuse to sleep there because in her mind, she wasn't married. The reason why he could have been driving at 3 in the morning, was to help quiet her down, so he could take her back home to rest.

I can honestly say it's the first person in my adulthood that I've been close to and I've lost. I'm not one to talk about my feelings, and I have a hard time showing grief. The inner voice of my father, always tells me not to cry. But this was a hard one. The man was 87 years old. Fought in our great world war, battled cancer not once, but twice, and yet, it was a random accident at 3 in the morning that took his life.

Can I say I'm grateful? I'm absolutely so grateful to have been able to meet him. He was such a special man with the craziest sense of humor. Yet, as wrong as it was to laugh sometimes at his jokes, you laughed. He had an inner spirit that was contagious, and even at 87 loved his wife as he had 65 years earlier. A special couple, and a man I know I will see again.

Another reason why I'm grateful, that as much as I pass off things sometimes, put them off to later, only never to get done. I'm so forever grateful that I sent that letter. I never had a true family that loved me unconditionally, but Grandpa and I had a special connection. He was so thrilled when I would come to visit, and I just honestly can say I loved being in the presence.

I will miss him so much, and I can't say it has fully hit me yet. Yes, it's been a month, but I still haven't made it out to FL, where it will all be real. He won't be home.

If this can be anything - it's a reminder to say what we need to say at the moment, not in a little while, in a day, or next week. Today. I know my mind goes a million different directions, and things always slip my mind.

The lyrics to one of my favorite songs 'Say' by John Mayer are words we should cherish and live by:

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so-called problems

Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead

If you could only . . .Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

Its better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

Thanks for the Memories.....

2008-03-06T11:44:00.000-08:00

I am officially a dork. I spent today watching Brett Favre tell the world why he was retiring, and I cried like a baby. I actually was to the point of the 'ugly cry' where I was gasping for air. Pathetic? This follows the tears that came when the Giants beat the Patriots. As my best friend from New York jumped around and screamed, I sat there with my husband holding me as I mumbled 'it should have been the Packers.'

Brett, you will be missed. I can't imagine the first Sunday when he's not on the field. I remember the first game he stepped in, and there's been tons of great memories ever since......Makes me kick myself for not just going to the New York Playoff game that I had tickets for...............................

To another era!

I miss home

2007-10-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

So I grew up in Wisconsin and lived there for the first twenty-one years of my life. I moved to Arizona, never looking back, never regretting the decision, and never having a desire to head back that way. In fact, I very rarely think about home, until every September. Why? Football season. There is nothing like football in Wisconsin.....It's fall, the weather is great, everyone is outdoors, grilling (yes, and drinking), and everyone LOVES their Packers and Badgers

As I've been watching week after week the Packers keep winning, ohhhhhh it makes me miss home so much. I'm trying to figure out now when I can get back for a game. It's so awesome seeing Brett Favre back to his prime. I still remember watching the first game when he came in for an injured Don Makowski (sp?). I was in the living room with my dad, and we were like, 'who is this guy.' But he brought us back from behind that day, and the rest, they say his history.

So the questio now is do I be a baby and go when it's still fairly warm, or do I experience Lambeau at it's best when you need seven layers of clothing on, just so you still have feeling by the time the game is done?

And there's nothing like true, authentic cheese curds. Yes, once it cools off here, we'll be having some shipped to make our own. But there's just nothing like it when you're up north.

Anyway, here's to Wisconsin, here's to the Packers and the Badgers -- Yeah, we're all undefeated, and here's to hopefully a trip back there very soon!!

Enjoy the Moment

2007-09-27T21:31:00.001-07:00

I've been reading about and listening to The Secret, a lot, which one of the greatest things I've found through it is Dr. Michael Beckworth. I enjoy listening to his sermons, and I'm learning just a few new things in my life --- first, to get over the little things. I found myself getting worked up over something the other day, and just stopped for a moment and asked myself one question. Six months from now is this even going to matter? The answer, of course was 'no', and I took a deep breath and moved on to something more important.

The other great thing I'm learning to do is to live in the moment. My mind sometimes is just going miles and miles per second, and instead of wondering what I'm doing or what I'm about to go next, I need to stop and enjoy where I am. For example, the other morning, Michael had gone to work, and Baxter crawled in bed with me. Now on this particular moment, he was being a baby, and wanted to lay on his back on top of me. Now yes, he is a dog, but mind you he is a 100lb dog! He started to act silly, and was acting all crazy, which entails him wiggling around and trying to get his nose in my face. As I began get annoyed, and tell him to get down, I stopped. I lived in that moment and let him be silly. I told myself he is seven years old, and who knows how long he will even be with me. Who knows how long he will feel well enough to be silly. Enjoy this moment. And that's exactly what I did.

I need to do that more -- work less, enjoy more. Thirty years went by pretty quickly, and I really don't want to feel like anothe 30 did the same!

I'm having second thoughts

2007-08-06T12:14:00.000-07:00

So it's been almost eight months now since I brought home our foster, who we now call 'Crazy Daisy'. Her name fits her well, and she's provided me with some big challenges during this time. She went away for five weeks for some extensive training, and I kept joking that I didn't want her back.

You see Daisy was never worked with, and they always tell you how important it is to socialize puppies...Well Daisy is the poster child (okay, dog) of why this is important. She wants to play with other dogs, but she doesn't understand how to communicate so instead of playing, she creates a fight.

We've been at our wits end, but honestly, I never thought about giving her up because I never dreamed anyone would ever want her. She's hyper, sometimes out of control, goes to the bathroom in the house to spite me, and the list could go on. So as much as I complained, I felt she was mine forever.

Well, I brought her to PetSmart for Adopt-A-Day which used to be a huge feat, almost a joke. It was this Saturday that I started to realize Daisy was really turning into a great dog. Kids were sticking their face in hers, only to get a kiss. Other dogs were walking up to her, and she would just calmly sniff them. And she could sit in a kennel surrounded by other dogs. This time instead of freaking out, she just looked up at me with these horribly sad eyes, as if asking me why she was in there.

I lost it, and kept trying to hold back tears. For the first time in eight months, I realized that Daisy really was ready to go to a home, and there is someone out there who might actually want her. And now that I know this, I'm just not sure I can give her up.

I thought I could do the foster thing. Afterall, I adopted out seven puppies to great homes, and I love the people I've met through those adoptions. But Daisy is so different. I can't do it. I know this is what I signed up for -- but it's a major, major struggle.

To be continued.......................

Just Breathe

2007-07-24T21:06:00.000-07:00

I have a tendancy to get worked up and freak out. It's in my nature, and too often times, I just forget to breathe. At the beginning of this month, I began a remodeling project on my Scottsdale house....the good old Scottsdale house. I spent the last two weeks out there, trying to see over the work and attempt to find a renter for the place. I freaked out a couple of times out there because it's in the contractor's hands and I'm a control freak. When I don't have complete control of something, and there's NOTHING that I can do, it's hard for me to take.

I came back here just a few days ago, and my friend called me to tell me that they weren't where they should be with the project, so I spent two hours today with my blood boiling, and constantly dialing out, looking for an answer. When I want answers, I want them now, and as I'm doing this, I'm forgetting to breathe.

So I got to my house, and finally got the call that I was waiting for. When it came, I went off. Where were the workers? Why wasn't this finished? What happened to a finish date on Sunday? He's making me lose money because I have no renters, blah, blah....I lost it. And as I was at the peak of freaking out, I looked down at my baby girl, Boo (my dog) who is on her back, kicking her legs in the air, waiting for my response. She does this because she knows it's cute, and she gets attention by doing this.... And in all my anger, I looked at her and burst out laughing. And in that laughter, I took a breath......I was calm again, and was able to get to a conclusion (keeping my fingers crossed) on a finished product.

I hate getting worked up, and I hate the person that I become.....it's as if I suddenly become evil. I guess I just need to learn to take that breath, say a prayer, and give it to God. I just hate giving up that whole control thing.. Some how it makes me feel better when i feel that I can do it myself. Even though I have hardly any say in it at all....a lesson that I continually need to remind myself.

The Past

2007-06-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

Even though it's been a month since the move, there are still boxes yet to be unpacked. It's a hard decision to either start living your normal life again, or take the time to empty out those last things that you really don't need.

I was about to go to bed, when I had the urge to go through my journals. Not sure why, but I just decided it would be fun to rehash the past. I suddenly went into a panic when I couldn't find 2001 - 2002. It felt as if two years of my life had just suddenly vanished, and I was seriously going through every box I could find. I can't remember if it was a digital version or if it was a true notebook. But I don't understand why I was in such a panic. My past had it's moments, moments that I wouldn't trade for the world, but it also had it's dark side. There are times when I read my journal, and I hurt for the girl who's writing it. Oh, I hurt for her, but I guess it brings me joy to know and to see how far I've come.

So I enjoyed reading what I did have. I went through the time period of when I met Michael. It's funny because they always say you find it when you stop looking, and only days before we met I had written that I was taking a break from dating for a while. It's fun to look back too because I was so smitten with him. I remember we used to attempt to go five weeks without seeing eachother, and it felt like eternity. I would finally book a ticket at week two because we couldn't take it any longer....ah, the good old days.

I just need to remember to write more. It's so fun to go back, and remember the small things that are so easily forgotten in the whirlwind of life. I don't want to miss out on another two years!

So lots of changes

2007-04-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, it's been yet, another long break in the blogging world. Can I say, just one more time that I have way too much going on? The last time I wrote, I had 11 dogs in my home, and I was ready to scream. I had a small, very small taste of what motherhood would be like, and it made me run as far as I could, screaming....Now the puppies are gone, all in amazing homes, and we're down to 4. We can now begin life again, after we spent the last four months putting everyone on hold 'until the puppies are gone....'

It was hard, yet brought me more joy then I ever could have imagined. Although I had to give up so much, I would do it all over in a heartbeat. Today, we had a friend over, and as we were eating dinner, I found Daisy literally trying to climb the new tree we planted in the back (she has the name Monkey Dog for a reason) and yet, I love her. I love her so much, wouldn't trade her for the world, and am hoping that someday I can find her a great home too.

It's exciting when you find your calling --- nothing, honestly, nothing in the world brings me more satisfaction then saving the life of a dog --- now I realize that I need to take this and relate it to people. But I have my ideas. I have so much in the 'burner' I just need to make sure that I pull it out in time to make something of it. I know this is where I'm meant to be. I seriously cry while watching The Dog Whisperer, knowing he has saved an animal that anyone else would deem impossible.

We're buying a new house, and I found myself a little sad when I read the HOA by-laws to discover, there was only a max of four dogs allowed. And the HOA president literally lives across the street from us. My husband is singing praises, but I do have to say I wanted to bring one more in to save, while we wait for Daisy to find her forever home. Maybe this is good for me, though.

So I'm changing jobs where I will be at home 100% again (yes, just when I only wanted to be in the office) and am excited about that.....I'll be moving hopefully in a week (if this house will ever close) and I'm so excited about the neighborhood I'll be moving to.......

A new year - new challenge

2007-01-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile, new job, Amore Pet Care busting at the seams, a new dog, and more puppies..I can't seem to breath. It's sad when you have to look forward to a holiday being over, just so you can have a break again.

That's what it's been like here. Once again, I've taken on the term 'overloaded' to a whole new level, and I'm just now coming up for air. Michael's and my small little company, is now close to 100 clients strong, and I can't believe it's that insane. We'll now be launching an Amore Pet Care in Phoenix, and I'm still trying to get everything straightened out.

We started a new chapter in our lives as parents, again. No, no children yet, just more puppies. In a moment of weakness, Michael and I agreed to foster dogs for the Frisco Humane Society. I always begged for dog #4, but wanted a greyhound once we moved into a bigger house. This was going to be a temporary thing, since obviously we're just fostering not adopting another dog. The agreement was also that we weren't going to make any moves until after Christmas.

Well then came Daisy. A pregnant '3 year old, Lab' who was about to be put to sleep because no one wanted to deal with the babies. I couldn't bear it, afterall, my little Boo came from a dumped off mother, so I caved, and brought Daisy into my home. So I brought her home four days before Christmas, and needless to say it was a nightmare. She wasn't 3, but I'm guessing barely one, and she was all street dog....jumping all over our counters, attacking all of our dogs, no discipline in the least. If we could have we would have sent her back, and as Michael was angry, I cried, wondering what it was I had gotten myself into....and the puppies hadn't even been born yet.

But Daisy was only a small challenge -- within days, she was turning around, listening to us, learning to be part of our pack, and as we set strict boundries for her, she responded -- turning out to be a great dog. We had 'two weeks' according to the vet, before any puppies would arrive --

She got sick, and we brought her to the vet again -- oh, at least another week, he told us, and two days later, our first puppy arrived. We were unprepared, not ready, but they came -- 10 of them, and luckily Daisy was a great mom. But Michael left for the Fiesta Bowl, and I was left to help Daisy care for her babies. Me, miss Independent, honestly had a panic attack when I dropped Michael off at the airport, for the first time in my life, I actually felt like I needed someone.

It was really hard when I lost three of them -- two had passed one morning, and then another one was sick when I woke up the following morning, and I thought I was pulling her through, but she died in my arms three hours later. I would call Michael, crying each morning, and he would just tell me that none of them would be here if it wasn't for me.....I didn't know if i was fully to blame (with Daisy being well under 20lbs what her weight should be -- I can't say she's the most healthy) -- but I still took the blame, thinking I should have been there to feed them, if I had only paid more attention.

But it's been such a blessing, now I'm five days in and seven puppies strong -- praying that each one will pull through another day -- Daisy is turning into such a great dog, in fact, the man who wanted her out of the house, is now saying he doesn't want to give her up. And it was adorable because when he came home last night from his trip, she was so happy to see him. He stayed up with her all through the night, so she wasn't out by herself.

This is when life is rewarding -- I must admit, it's put a damper on my life. Christmas was horribly hard, because of the work, and then having to come home and work with Daisy. We basically had no life for two weeks. Instead of gaining holiday weight, I lost 7lbs! It wasn't an easy fit in our home, and now a trip that we planned on taking this weekend, has to be put on hold because of Daisy -- but this is when it's all worth it. As much as it sucked, we did the right thing.

And as much as I wanted a Greyhound, it seems that Daisy has found us. I didn't want a lab/shepard mix, but I got her, and I love her more than I could imagine. So now I get to help these little guys grow up and put them in homes where they can bless a family -- which is so great because they had no chance. I just need to get on the ball and find them some homes!

New Zealand or Bust -

2006-08-25T15:04:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been 2 whole months (over that) - two whole months of not writing, and it feels like forever ago that I was in Denver. So things have been busy --

I spent almost a week in New York City in August -- first time there, and LOVED it. My hotel was right in Times Square, and I was able to see a fun play called Avenue Q, and a very long, hard to stay awake through play called Faith Healer - I should have splurged and saw the Lion King.

I then returned for a day, and left immediately for San Francisco, where I was able to spend a few days with our friends Mark and Karmiel, and then we got to hang out with my cousin and her fiance! Very fun -- It Michael's first time in San Fran, and we did the typical sight seeing stuff, but it was all good times!

Then the big news comes for October - so I have this amazing opportunity to travel through New Zealand and Australia - looks like I'll be gone for about 3 weeks -- I'll be conducting VUI Design workshops, then taking some vacation, and continuing the cycle until it's over -- I'm SOOO excited not only for the opportunity, career wise, but traveling through New Zealand on company dime............doesn't get any better than that!

Memory

2006-06-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

I'm spending a few days in Denver for work, and I'm using one of the perks of my travel... I love going places where I have friends because I get paid to go out and spend quality time with people I haven't seen in a long time. I have two friends who literally just moved here on Sunday from Phoenix, and we got to hang out tonight in downtown Denver -- I loved it. I have to say that I also love this city. I've only driven through it once, but as I'm getting time to enjoy it, I have to admit, I want to come back here and spend more time....

Tomorrow night I get to also take advantage of my perk, and visist a dear, dear friend from college. His name is Brian, and I haven't seen him in over five years. We e-mail every now and then, but never have phone time. So it was funny when I was on the phone with him last night as we put our plans together -- Hearing his voice, it seriously swept me back almost seven, eight years, when we were in college. It's so amazing how memory works -- Just a voice, a quick sound, feels like you're being transported back to a specific time and place. I literally felt like I was sitting in my old house, planning an old movie night or something.

But with memory, I find it funny because music and smells have to be the top things that do that to me, bring me back like that. Songs can even bring me back to the sixth grade -- you know those times when you went together with someone and had a song to seal your 'love' for one another. I hate to admit, but 'I'll be there for you' by Bon Jovi is one that sticks in my mind.

But anyway, it was at that time, that I was swept back in time, that I realized how much I had missed his friendship. It makes me excited to have dinner tomorrow night with him and his girlfriend. I LOVE catching up with old friends.

Calm after the Storm

2006-06-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

Two weeks of celebrating a marriage, can be exhasting, but I honestly wouldn't have wanted it any other way. We debated doing the traditional style wedding, but then realized we would have all these great friends flying in, that we could hang out with for maybe five minutes. It just didn't seem worth it. So we decided on the wedding in Kauai, with a reception back in Frisco. It was honestly amazing, and I'm so happy we did it this way. We were able to spend so much quality time with all those who meant so much to us.

I'm now officially married, which is so strange. I have a 'husband', and I'm still getting used to using the 'h' word. A whole new journey started, and I'm excited to find what lies ahead.

So EXCITING!

2006-05-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

I'm so, so excited. We have just had order #2 on www.floppyeargear.com! We launched a few weeks back, and getting great publicity. I am SO excited. For those of you that don't know me -- animals are my life! It's my calling, and it's honestly my passion. I was approached a few months back about helping to launch this, and it all could not have fallen more perfectly together.

So I know this is short, but I'm SO excited....Lookout Petsmart and PetCo!

The Happiest Moment of Your Life

2006-04-17T22:23:00.000-07:00

Today I was watching Oprah, as I do almost every day, and they had stars interviewing other stars. To be honest, it was a bit boring, however, one moment struck me, then came to haunt me. The question: What was the happiest moment of your life?

I thought about this, asked Michael's what his was, and he came back with a response, not a moment as in a day, but more like a few month's time period. And when the question came back at me, I was stuck. I'm not married yet, so I can't use that. I don't have kids, which is usually a pretty easy one that sticks out. Michael and I couldn't stand eachother our first few hours together, so you can't say the moment I met him. I'm honestly not sure.

I consider myself to be an overall happy person. And I feel my life up until this point has been fulfilled. There were moments that weren't the happiest, but ended up bringing my life to levels I never would have reached without going through the down moments. But I believe in God, and have accepted Christ as my Savior. I've run a couple of marathons, hiked into the Grand Canyon, seen many, many places, done well for myself in a corporate world, raised three adorable puppies, but there's just not that one moment that sticks out in my mind. I don't know why it's bothering me, but it is. Maybe there are a few moments:

1. When I landed my first 'real' job after moving to Phoenix with nothing, and waiting five months to finally land something. It was at that moment when I knew I could do it, and I didn't have to go back to Wisconsin, a failure.
2. The day I almost lost Baxter on Mt. Humphrey in Flagstaff. I got to see how amazingly good people can be, total strangers and best friends. I witnessed a miracle that day...And although it was a day that at the time was the most horrible, looking back there were so many blessings in it.
3. It could be the day that I knew Michael was it. It wasn't the day I met him, but a month into our relationship -- my first trip to Denton). Then moving to Dallas was hard, but it's a happy moment in my life, because I honestly feel I picked up and did what God was asking of me. It turned out to provide me with a much more fulfilled life than I would have had in AZ (I didn't realize that in AZ I was missing so much).....
4. The day I took my mother on an 11 mile hike (one-way) to Havasupai Fallas in the Grand Canyon. To her it was unimaginable, but it was great to share something so amazing with her, and for her to realize she could do something that seemed impossible. And it was something she never would have done on her own.

Maybe it's better that I don't have one shining moment where I will forever remember it as the happiest. Maybe I should strive to create moments that trump all of the others -- So I can write a book on all the happiest moments of my life!!!

Amazing Grace

2006-04-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

Yes, very cliche title, but I just really have to say that grace is just that, amazing! It's a topic that was not only our sermon today, but also in a devotional that I was doing this evening.

'Grace provides the gift of salvation, a gift that can't be earned.' It took me a long time to understand this, and even today, it boggles my mind. I have believed in God all my life, never a question that he existed. But four years ago, as I sat in a class for my church, we were asked to raise our hands if we believed we were saved. My hand never left the table because it was hard to imagine that God could possibly forgive all of the wrong I had done in my life. But I learned it really does happen, and that's what makes it so amazing to me. Here we also spend so much time beating ourselves up over a past incident, when there's no need to, it's over, it's done, and it's forgiven.

It's also a crazy concept to grasp that it never has to be earned. I guess I was raised on the thought process that it's the deeds that get you there. Basically, the more you do, the better you're off in heaven. If I happened to do a good deed, I found myself questioning if it was enough. Was this going to be the thing that would make God forgive all the wrong? I still find myself looking at the super christian and wondering if I'll ever compare. But that's also the other amazing thing about it. God says 'that's enough', and it's not a contest, you're not out to earn it. There's no magic great deed that you can do, where he suddenly passes that forgiveness to you. He just gives it to you.

I feel so blessed to now know and understand this, and I can't believe that it took me 24 years of 'being a christian' to get this. Although I know I'm not perfect, and struggle with things every day, it only makes me feel more blessed over his showers of grace!

Texas Bugs

2006-04-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

This isn't thought provoking, deep, or emotional, but I had to vent. I absolutely HATE Texas bugs.....A few weeks ago, I was introduced to chiggers when I kneeled down in a lawn to work with Bailey -- Seriously, my leg was horrible, I had to have had at least 50 bites on one leg, and maybe 10 on the other -- Just as I'm finally clearing up from that, I stepped smack in the middle of a fire ant hill today while doing yard work.......

This pushes out a pedicure at least another week, leaving me without open-toe shoeless until that time -- That hurts, it hurts real bad.

God is trying me -- especially with a wedding only a few weeks away!

Stop and Enjoy the View

2006-04-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

I just finished A Short Guide to a Happy Life by Anna Quindlen, although this is an extremely short book (hence the name) - there are many great points...One story at the end hit me - - (pg 46)

'I found one of my best teachers on the boradwalk at Coney Island many years ago. It was December, and I was doing a story about how the homeless suffer in the winter months. He and I sat on the edge of the wooden supports, dangling our feet over the side, and he told me about his schedule, pan handling the boulevard when the summer crowds were gone, sleeping in a church when the temperature went below freezing, hiding from the police amid the Tilt-A-Whirl and the Cyclone and some of the other seasonal rides.'

'But he told me most of the time he stayed on the boardwalk, facing the water, just the way we were sitting now, even when it got cold and he had to wear his newspapers after he read them. And I asked him why. Why didn't he go to the shelters? Why didn't he check himself into the hospital for detox? And he stared out at the ocean and said 'Look at the view, young lady. Look at that view.'

So here's someone we would deem useless, who has nothing, who should be seeking shelter to at least attempt to have some sort of life (by our standards) who can't help but sit back, and enjoy the view.

I'm so, so guilty -- Sometimes weeks will go by, and I have no idea what just happened, no idea where it went. I never stopped to enjoy anything, just moved through the motions. I have the opportunity to travel places, and sometimes wake up five days after arriving, knowing that I didn't take one minute to enjoy the city I was in.......

I have to laugh at my dogs sometimes (yes, you can enter children for those of you that have them, but this is all I got!) -- But they enjoy life SO much. To go on a walk, oh to go on a walk is the biggest deal EVER. Where I find myself getting bored with the route. And if we see another dog on the walk, it's just thrilling. To take a car ride, well that's a huge deal, and then if we go to Home Depot, Bailey loves to greet all of the people (Baxter and Boo don't enjoy it so much) But I don't talk to anyone unless I have to, why can't I enjoy meeting randoms like she does? Why can't I even enjoy a car ride? But with them, it's so easy, so simple. Boo can entertain herself for hours by laying on her back, balancing her ducky between her front paws and then throwing it in the air. I'm not saying I'm willing to do that to make myself happy -- but she's basically doing nothing and having a good time.

Life is short, and I don't want to wake-up not only losing two weeks, but two, three, or four decades! I need to take less time worrying about what I have, or what I need to do, and stop and enjoy the view -- Enjoy a walk -- Live (My 100% post would fit well with all of this too)! 'Love the journey, not the destination!' This has a lot to do with my past two posts -- maybe this is why Michael and I are in a 'drought' (even though I really don't believe we're in one). But I used to be that girl -- just reaffirming what I already know!

Drought

2006-04-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

Today Michael told me that we're going through a drought (and he calls me the negative one) -- We've had some random and crazy mishaps lately, but I told him, I didn't think it was a drought at all, things could be much worse. For example, here's just a list of the randoms:

1.) The guy who was supposed to buy my house is now in the hospital with double pneumonia -- he's going to be okay. But it's very random, very strange, but it could be one of us in the hospital. Pray for him to get better (his name is Dan).

2.) Bailey's been having a lot of behavioral issues, and the trainer we called won't get back to us. Why do people have such a hard time calling back?

3.) I found out that I have tendanidus (sp?) in my wrist (don't old people get this??) The good news is, is that it's not carpal tunnel(again, sp?). I told him this had nothing to do with our drought -- I knew I was in pain for a while, it just happened to be now that I did something about it.

4.) We had a 'roofing expert' try to screw us out of $300. Needless to say when I called my house inspector to call him out on missing the problem, he immediately came to the house, and walked with Michael on the roof -- He informed us, we were getting $300 taken from us for a $5 caulk job....(This worked out well because I was able to reunite him with the original realtor who introduced us! So hopefully that means more business for him).

5.) A state inspection (which never got done) and an oil change for Michael's car ended up costing us almost $500. Something with the door hinge....and we found out never go to Firestone!

6.) This week was also strange, when a man that I work with at floppyeargear.com/rocknrebates.com suddenly died. No one knew the cause, just random. This doesn't put me in a drought, but is just very sad -- His name was Rick, pray for his family.

7.) I don't think we're going to the Bahama's for Easter anymore (Dan was supposed to take us, he's in the hospital) -- but that's okay -- still not a drought, the trip was just a bonus anyway!

I think that's it -- see not so bad, just random.

The Girl I Used To Be

2006-03-31T12:02:00.000-08:00

So it's been quite a while since a last post -- I've been exhausted lately, and here I thought once I got back from my traveling things would settle down -- what a joke! I've found myself.... depressed, isn't the right word, but I guess a little sad. I have SO many things to do that I'm getting to a point where I don't want to deal with it....I think what bothers me the most about my situation, right now, is that I'm not who I used to be. I can honestly say I used to be fun. Not because I used to party with the best of them, but because I guess I was adventurous. I did neat things. I spent any opportunity I could to learn new things, see places I hadn't been, and hang out with friends. I took pictures, traveled everywhere, took photography courses, took salsa lessons...I would even go to the Grand Canyon four to five times a year, just to see it at different seasons. Baxter has probably been more places then half of Americans have.

Now, I honestly believe I've become boring. I work, everything I do involves work (and I fit in the wedding planning and house painting when I can). Don't get me wrong, there's a sick part of me that enjoys to work, but I look back on that girl who used to do neat things, and I honestly miss her. I think it's partly the pressures of being in a relationship (it's not about me anymore), and I'm not in Scottsdale, AZ anymore (more access to things). But those are lame excuses, and I can't use them anymore.

I'm taking steps, one at a time to try and be her again.....I've quit (well sort of) Macy's -- I'm going to an on-call position where basically they call me when they need me, and I have the option to work or not to work (it allows me to keep the discount!). I'm going to stop obsessing so much about finances -- I know some way, some how it will always work itself out. I'm really thinking that once this weekend is over, work can simmer down again -- I'm going to the Atlantis in three weeks, just for three days on a beach. Michael's telling me that I'm crazy to go, afterall we have SOOOO much to do, and I'm telling him I need a break!

I won't say 'when this is over' or 'after this is done' because I've been saying that for over a year now, and haven't done what I wanted to do......I'm taking back my old self (well the good part of my old self!!!)

And the door opens

2006-03-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

When I moved to Texas last January, letting go of Scottsdale was extremely difficult for me. This place was what defined me. I loved my weekend trips, my freedom (financially and emotionally), and I loved my house. When I moved, I vowed not to let go of my house. After all, it was Baxter's home, and it was my home. Plus, I always wanted that safety net for when the future seemed unapproachable, I may need that time just to return to a past that I loved and where there was comfort. (It also allowed that 10% part of me to not give 100% to my 'new' Texas life).

As time passed in Texas, my resistance to the change, slowly eased, and I found myself not looking back to that former life as often. But as my life evolved in Texas, the house was something I still wanted to hold on to. Things changed in November when I made a trip back, and realized the time to let it go might be approaching. I entered a business deal where I was technically letting it go, but still holding on to half of the control. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't fully let it go, I couldn't. God was starting to pry my hands open, but my grip was still pretty tight....Then things changed just a month ago(as posted previously). The future wasn't so promising, and I found myself in a bind, a huge bind. And I finally made a decision to trust what was being asked of me, and let it go. Letting go for good of that former life, that former me, and make myself stop looking back.

Well, they say God has a way of opening doors, and when I finally gave this to Him, He amazed me. The housing market had slowed, and with 30 properties on the market in my development alone, I honestly didn't believe I would sell it. I was also going to hire a realtor to list it, but was talked into doing it myself (I have my license) by a friend in Texas. I trusted myself and I trusted God. Within a week I had several calls, but one in particular was convenient because I was coming back the next week for work, and I told him I would show it to him and his wife.

Ironically, he had been born and raised in McKinney, Texas (strange in itself)....He wanted it, he loved it, and he wanted to enter into a deal with me. Not buying it right away, but doing a lease option. Talk about a weight off a shoulder (now everything is in verbal agreement, not yet signed, but I still have a good feeling).....And this guy is also opening the door to a lot of other opportunity from a business perspective. I'm still amazed, shocked, and the realist (or pesimist) in me is trying to figure out how this all could have possibly happened. When is this 'too good to be true moment' going to shine it's true light?

But I'm going to be honest, there's a strange calming feeling over me, telling me that this is what's meant to be. I finally did what was required of me, and God has shown the possible good that can help when you listen to what He tells you, and do what's He's asking of you. I ask Him every night for wisdom in this whole venture. As much as the business world has hardened me, there's still that naive small town girl that comes out from time to time. Pray as I move forward with this that I'm really hearing the right thing.......

Chatoic Craziness

2006-02-24T08:37:00.000-08:00

Sigh, sigh, sigh -- Another week has gone by, and not a post from me. I haven't journaled, I haven't read, and I completely feel out of touch! Life has been chatoic to say the least...I've piled my plate way too high, and not sure if there's an end in site. I've been up all night, up early in the morning and still can't get to where I need to be....As we speak I'm on a conference call, phone between my ear and shoulder, and only talking when called on....I've already told Michael -- 'no plans for the weekend because any spare time I have, I have to work'.

It was interesting because as I struggle with this Tim (our pastor) gave a great sermon about 100% -- Giving 100% to the Lord....And this is something I struggle with ALL of the time (providing the prediciment I'm in now). I'm what you would call a 10% girl, and it drives me nuts -- I can't do a little, and give you all of me, but I can do a lot and just give a small piece. I can't let go of things, I can't say no a lot of times, and I end up either coming across as a flake, or not putting in the effort that I need to. Things end up suffering, (for example, the time that should be important to me). I hate being like this, and I do have to say it's a hard thing for me to change.

What I think it all comes down to is insecurities -- I'm going to be honest, that letting go of things and trusting, scares me. For example, I'm working on this project for a new company (check out www.rocknrebates.com) I have signed up to start an online store for pampering your pet -- Things are crazy, going so well, we have so many suppliers that we don't know what to do with them all -- The future it extremely bright, yet, I can't give up any other sources of income because I'm scared. This only shows promise, nothing tangible yet -- But I struggle with the two questions -- Is this what God intended and I need to go for it all (give him 100%) because this is what I love to do....Or am I being bold and extremely careless and stupid by putting myself out on a limb like this?

There are some things that I do feel comfortable giving to Him...For example, I'm here in Texas -- picked up and left an entire life in AZ. And I know that it was the right decision for me. I have no doubt that this is where He desired me to be.

But that limb, that limb is a scary place for me -- and as much as I say I believe, I love, I trust......I fail to trust more times than not. I've talked to so many people about this struggle too....But I walked away on Sunday -- saying, yes, 100%, that's what I need to do, and it's 5 days later, and I'm still swimming in all of my commitments. I feel completely out of touch with others and myself, and yes, of course to God....It's not a great feelnig, and I need to work on this.....Prioritize my commitments -- understand what I need to do, and why I need to do it. (This all applies so much to a study we're doing for church...). I absolutely loved when I had the time to read, journal, and think of things to post -- I'm not in the place, and I'm miserable -- I think this is just a sign of where I need to be........

Lighthearted puppy fun

2006-02-16T21:12:00.000-08:00

I have been so busy working -- and have such a lack of something thought provoking, that I've been neglecting my blog. But after the few posts that I have done, ironically enough I have not once mentioned my puppies -- my babies -- my what I like to call, children. Seriously, I'm such an animal person -- that if God never wants me to have children, I'm okay with that -- this is enough. I was recently (very random situation) approached by an old friend about launching a website -- and I'm so excited because it all has to do with pets -- such my forte. I'm so, so excited (launching a webstore at the end of next month) -- and I'm really hoping it turns into something good........Right now it's all been so random how it started that I have a good feeling -- So here's just a few notes on my babies -- (I'm up to three, but stopping, really stopping (even though I vowed, one was enough)).

First is BAXTER -- He's my baby, and anyone who comes over, always notes that it's obvious he's my favorite. I went to the Humane Society to get a cat, and came home with a 100 lb rottie mix. We've had a past -- I've had him for almost five years now. He's my little person and he gets away with almost everything -- but I love him. He's cautious of strangers, not that he doesn't like you -- but he doesn't KNOW you -- and once you're in, you're in. He watches out for me, and I try not to make him my favorite -- but I guess sometimes he is. I almost lost him in a hiking accident, and I guess maybe that's why I've always held him a little closer to my heart -- He's honestly like my child (sent on 'timeouts' and everything).

Next is BOO -- little did we know how much her name would fit her. She's our little scardy cat. She's extremely smart, and has this baby face, that will always be a baby face. (Especially next to Baxter she'll always look like a puppy). She's my cuddler -- loves to snuggle with me when I get home from a trip, and always up for giving a kiss. But she's also an instigator too -- if she were a kid, she'd be that little girl on the playground that always got the others in trouble. There are times when she tries my patience. I found her on a humane society website (her mom was dropped off there) and decided that since I had been robbed of Baxter's childhood (he was one when I got him), I needed her.

Then there's BAILEY -- the accident, the mistake, the never should have happened -- but am very glad it did. She was a Hurricane Katrina dog, she was either found wandering the streets or in an abandoned home. No tags, collar, nothing, just scratches and bite marks, and extremely underweight. A girl at the SPCA helped me pick her out -- 'the little black dog with the floppy ears' was what she was called. I knew the minute I got her in the car, it was a good thing. Her and Boo bonded within two seconds of meeting each other -- and she's been a very great addition. She's the curious one when Boo's scared, and she's helped to balance her a lot. I do have to say she's the naughtiest one -- but that's my fault -- never disciplined her.

So those are my babies. As I write this, they're all fast asleep in their beds, in the office. I'm telling anyone who doesn't have dogs (and is not allergic) you need to get at least one -- They're life changing, and to me a good intro into childhood. (You see, I figured out, that my first born would have been a crazy, mamma's boy - but with it being Baxter, it's not as damaging!)

Worries

2006-02-11T07:46:00.000-08:00

I'm a worry wart -- a fine thing I picked up from my mother. How I don't have an ulcer still boggles my mind. I can't tell you the times I have read Matthew 6:34 'So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.' Or Matthew 6:27 'Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not.' That whole chapter brings me comfort. And I frequently find msyelf taking a deep breath, and just telling myself it's in God's hands not mine. I have even read that some consider worrying a sin because you're not giving it to God.

This week was an extra challenging week for me. I have a real estate deal falling through my fingers, and it's scary, really scary. It's ground I'm not used to, and the first thing that happens, is my stomach sinks, and I begin to worry. I did that this week, I started to worry -- ran numbers, saw what was ahead, and said 'WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??' I worried. I gave it to God -- took a deep breath, and said I can't let myself do this, I can't get upset, I can't get angry....I just have to deal with it. For a moment I feel comforted, but then for some reason I just keep taking it back --- as I write this, that horrible feeling is once again in the pit of my stomach -- and yet again I have to say 'it's going to be okay.' It's as if God keeps prying my fingers open, and as soon as he sets it free, I have to take it right back.

I was challenged yet again, at the airport, when in a haze from everything that's going on, I left my entire key set in a rental car in Phoenix. The stomach feeling came back, I started to worry (I never realized they were left there until I was about to board my plane) -- and when I called the rental car company, they said, 'Sorry, can't help you, no one found your keys.' Oh, did the worries fly -- I took a deep breath, gave it to God -- praying -- 'please let them find my keys -- but if they don't, life is going to go on.' I called again, talked to someone else, and they found my keys (sigh of relief).....

So although that turned out great, I have to move on from my other problem. I can't worry because I know that all in all I'm going to be okay. I can only do what's in my power, and if that's not enough then it wasn't meant to be. So I'm giving this to God for once and for all, and just going to do what I can (which isn't worrying) -- I will live today -- and deal with tomorrow when it comes -- Today I have my health, I have a shelter, and I'm okay -- that's enough - and I'll be happy with that.

Importance of a Girlfriend

2006-02-06T12:23:00.000-08:00

I have taken quite a break from writing -- last week I had one done, accidently deleted it, then gave up......But I spent last week in San Francisco on business and fun, and I have to say that I'M SO IN LOVE WITH THE WEST. I love everything about the city (except the traffic) -- but oh, I love that city.

Anyway, when I was there, I was able to spend some great quality time with my friend Karmiel. She's a friend, that sometimes years go by when we don't see each other, but when we do, we pick up right where we left off.....I spent the weekend with her and her husband, on the Saturday that I was there, we went out with two of her girlfriends. Just a girls day out wine tasting, lunch, and of course chatting and having fun. We had so much fun!! It was at that moment (or the day) when I realized how important it is for us to have girlfriends. Sometimes we get so swept up in finding or hanging onto that 'one', that guy who's going to make us complete, and it's our girlfriends who we put on the backburner. Or, sometimes when we have that one, we don't feel the need (or the strong desire) to have the girlfriends, and I've always been so perplexed by that.

I've always loved that relationship with my friends (I think that's why I always loved Sex and the City). There's nothing like a great friend (or more than one friend) to help you pick out that great outfit, talk to you about issues (at least to help you realize you're not the only one who feels a certain way), talk about Oprah, or just to be there for you -- or for you to have someone to be there for.

I still have, and always try to talk to my guy friends about 'guy issues', and it always amazes me how different women and men really do think. So I'm sorry, but there's no substitute for that group of women you should surround yourself with.

But my girl weekend continued with an evening with my cousin who I literally hadn't seen in almost twenty years! Again, we had such a great time! It's amazing that sometimes when you don't see someone from a long time, the distance is destrutive. When other times, it meant nothing, just more to talk about.

But my point, is that even as I begin to step into a marriage, although I love Michael with everything -- I need more than just him to survive. I need my girlfriends, and I know sometimes I slip, and go in all Michael world, but it's so important to keep the girlfriends....I truly believe that they're the ones that keep you sane!

ADD Diagnosis

2006-01-26T09:11:00.000-08:00

So the other day Michael was kind enough to diagnose me with ADD. He used to tell me all the time that I had it, and I never believed him until he read the twelve symptoms. If a person shows six of these symptoms they can be diagnosed....and unfortunately, I showed almost all twelve. (In fact, so close, that as he was reading to me 'Does not listen when being directly talked to, I was reading an e-mail, and looked up and said 'what was that one?')

When he first told me, I laughed. I always think of ADD as the hyper, crazy kid that you can't control....But then it started to bother me.....I have something that's not normal, and I quickly asked him if I was going to have to go on medication for it (and believe me that's the last thing I want to do)....His answer was 'no, you just need to be aware of it, and try to make a change for yourself....

Ironically that night as I did my devotion, it was all about choice, and do we really have a choice in our life. Although I could say that well, I have these issues, that's it, I don't like to concentrate -- it can affect my work, my friendships, etc -- that's that. I'm not willing to go that route. I see where this has affected my life, and it bothers me sometimes of the person that I am -- I'm impulsive, don't follow through, do things sometimes half-heartedly (work and relationships), and always need to have seventy things going on at once in order to feel like I have worth, so relaxing stops becoming, just that, relaxing.

So because of this, I know I haven't been the person that God meant for me to be, and I want to do everything I can to change it! "Forgetting the past and straining toward what is ahead, I keep trying to reach the goal, and get the prize for what God called me through Christ to the life above" (Philippians 3:13-14.) So I'm not going to use it as an excuse, I'm going to get past it, (small steps) but ultimately to become a better person, and much dedicated to those things that I commit to. I'm also going to apply this to the other 'oops' in my life -- not making excuses based on childhood happenings or whatever else happened in the past, but realize I need to become aware of the problem, and move forward.

Why is the simple so complicated?

2006-01-21T06:37:00.000-08:00

I'm currently planning a wedding. Yep, and then not just one wedding, but of course we're having two weddings. I thought it would be more simple this way, having two 'easy' weddings, rather than the one difficult one. However, I still find myself wrapped up in confusion and chaos over what I should serve. Is it going to be nice enough? What flowers should I put on the table? Will it rain? What happens if it rains? How much should I spend on a dress? You see I vowed I would never become 'that girl'....But I am slowly evolving into 'THAT GIRL'!

But here is the thing, when it comes down to it, I've completely lost focus over what this day is about. I have found a man I love, and I'm going to commit myself to him for life in front of all who are important to me. That's it, that simple, that's all this day is, yet I'm worried about the silly stupid things, making chaos and meaningless things completely lose site of how simple the concept of this event really is.

I feel the same way about life. While watching March of the Penguins the other evening, I realized really, and truly how simple life should be. A penguin's sole purpose in life is to reproduce, that's it, and that's what they live for. Every waking moment in their life, somehow relates to creating and caring for their offspring. Sometimes it gets complicated, but in fact it all falls back to simplicity. They travel far, get food, find a mate, care for an offspring, get food, and the cycle continues.

Now, I realize our lives are a bit more complicated than that. However, how much more complicated really is it? We have that reproduction goal (which, by the way, I have no quams for anyone who doesn't choose that path). But when it all comes down to it, loving others and doing good are really all we need to care about. (yes, I know there are finances) but I just feel that we're so used to making the simple so complicated. How much do I weigh? Am I happy with my body? I make enough, but is it really enough? I want a bigger house, can I afford it? Should I highlight the full head or only half? Is this car practical? How many calories is this hamburger...That many, should I eat it? I hate my nose, why did I get this nose? Where should we go for dinner or should we stay in? Stop, are any of these things truly important? Are these things what we've really been created to care about or do? I'm going to lean on the 'no' side of that answer.

It's like the wedding, when you look at it, we've been created to follow such a simple concept of life. And I honestly feel when you make that a priority almost all the rest falls in line. It may not be that simple because sometimes you find those people who are hard to love, or God throws a curve ball at you. However, when it all comes down to it, the meaningless things become just that, meaningless.

I know I'm just as guilty of this as anyone. I have 100 different things going on all at one time and always seem to lose track of the things that are truly important. But I know I need to stop and think more about what I'm putting as priorities in my life. I love the question 'Six months from now is this really going to matter?' Or someone else told me to ask yourself, 'When I'm on my death bed, is this the moment of my life that I'm going to think about?' Two good questions to help prioritize and simplify life!

Being Grateful

2006-01-20T08:58:00.000-08:00

Wow, so I was so inspired by everyone else who has gone on the blog bandwagon, that I decided I would love to jump on too. It's just such a great way to get to know someone, and I'm beginning to get hooked. I also think it's a great way to stop and really make yourself step back and relax -- just find some time to reflect, not think, but reflect.

So my friend Sonya has blogged about being grateful, and she's been posting about everything of which she's greateful. It's truly commendable, considering we all live in a world of wants and 'what's in it for me's' that we forget to say what we're actually grateful for.

I also have a devotion book that I was going through last night, and again, the topic happened to be about gratefulness. One of the 'exercises' was to write a letter (notice I said letter, not e-mail, nor phone call) to someone who has had an impact on your life, and just let them know how grateful you are for the things that they've done for you. It may be small, and they may have never known, but I don't think we stop and say 'thank you' enough!

I would have to say mine is my Aunt Marion and Uncle Vince (who I sometimes call Grandma and Grandpa). I just came back from Florida where I got to spend a bit of time with them. They are truly the most amazing people I have ever met. They were a family for me, when I never knew what family really was, and they were there to show me what unconditional love meant. Through their life they've been through so much heartache and bad times (but also a lot of great times), but their love and devotion for God and others remains to be what every person should strive for. Right now, though, it's hard because Aunt Marion has taken a bit of a turn, and her memory isn't what it used to be. In fact, during the time that I was there, she went in and out of knowing who I was. It's hard to see someone in that state, knowing it's never going to get better. And I hate being selfish, but it was so hard to be around. I can't imagine what Grandpa must think as she somtimes forgets who he is. But the crazy thing was, is that as bad as it all seemed, she still has that heart that's just fun to be around. She's not bitter, not angry, just knows her mind isn't what it used to be, but she's going to do the best she can.

And as I look back on the impact that these two people have had on my life, I realized I have never said thank you. Or I don't even know if they have any idea of how much they mean to me.

So as I sit today and write my letter, I encourage all of you to do the same. Find someone who you may have never said thank you to, or have said thank you to, but want to say it again -- No, don't post it, write it down, lick the envelope and stick it in the old fashioned mail box. I think we can all say that there's still that kid in us who gets excited for a hand written addressed envelope, just for us!